It is not good to complain. Not good not good not gooood.

But TRY having 6 days in a week where you are out morning till night traveling left right and centre. Bla.


Tired, so so tired...


On a (slightly) better note, I'm planning to take day off next week, bumming at home watching good old videos breakfasting with my favourite fish soup noodle from Parkway sleeping before 10 and oh the joys of having enough sleep.
Sometimes I felt like asking for more than 24 hours in a day, but as they say, we are never short of time, we just don't know how to arrange it.
Someone arrange mine for me and I'll love you foreeevverrr.

ofblack&white
1:50 PM

My brother's door is locked at the moment, due to Mr Wind. And now no key could open it probably going to break the door down or he'll spend the night on my room floor.
THE HORROR!


Fridays have the tendency to be OTT. Like the door thing for instance. Or maybe Anna's Tamil tutor wanting to have remedial last minute, resulting in canceling last minute. And when I'm settled cosily over at grandma's with Favourite People she called saying the tamil tutor canceled lessons last minute.
Really, women need to know when to make up their mind.


I slept really late last night and woke up fairly early and not being able to sleep after that. And results in all the cranky shit working up in my body, the urge to spew vulgarities is so strong I nearly sellotaped my mouth.


Funny prank on Nur's friend just now. Really odd names they have. One of them is Skye and the other's Joy. LOL we had fun; all about Hogwarts and Harry Potter. Ha. Cheap thrills.


I feel like screaming out to the world and ask a big fat fucking why. Why to everything and anything.

Why?

ofblack&white
11:04 PM

Today is a day that is so full of pleasant surprises.


So yes I thought I'd go for Swami's tutorial but I didn't. I'm really bad, must pull up my socks. Sigh.


Surprise number one was when Tiny messaged me out of the blue about school. Wow I'm not forgotten after all ;p


Surprise number two was someone waiting at the void deck of AMK Ave 10 Blk 545 and whisked me away for posh-y dinner and how I feel so pampered haha!
Surprise number two part i is me seeing one of my aunts there (GOD the gossip I fear she might spread).
Surprise number two part ii is seeing his sister, brother in law, and nephew there.
Seriously what were the odds?
(Damsel also called me halfway dinner. Dinner, in other words, was quite a hooha affair)

Oh surprise number three was getting the sweepstakes letter from Reader's Digest saying
that I am amongst less than 1% of the Singapore population picked for this (hoping that's true though).


Last and best surprise (it's number four of course); I finally opened the letterbox and see a cute postcard with a huge cat picture at the front. That really made my day (:
Thanks dear.

ofblack&white
12:40 AM

Yesterday we learned about the theory of diminishing marginal utility.
It states that you don't always cherish what you already have and
would want what you can never have.

Talk about apt! Economics is the most applicable subject I've chanced upon.




Yesterday was school day. Urgh to PBF. Urgh to school.
How ironic, since I was so looking forward to the notion of going to school and yet I dread the actual thing.



And I had a pleasant surprise last night. I have a friend whom I used to be very close to, and we haven't spoke for like... 2 years?? Then suddenly she came online and we chatted for quite a while. I'm surprised at how we can actually chat without all the yoho awkwardness.
Funny how life operates, no?


Hmmm seeing that I kind of miss the old friends. Maybe it's time to meet up again. Ha.


It's a lovely weather because it's pouring. Pouring! Haha I remember when I was in secondary 4 Hani Mazni and I just played in the toerrential rain, jumping on puddles without a care, being splashed by rumbling buses freezing in the bus while trying to play bingo and freezing at Tampines KFC. Gosh those were the days!

ofblack&white
10:44 AM

I must NOT be late for lessons today.
(What are the odds though, when I'm still here blogging?)
I had a bit of problem sleeping again last night, and I woke up before any of my alarms went off.



I have this entry some months back on a different blog saying this
"For once I didn't wish to be there, to be beside you and see you smile."

God talk about being emo. Ok going to be a ray of sunshine (physically too) today, unless rain pours down (in terms of Vincent, the lecturer). Pimples are growing back ARGH I don't like them. Who does anyway? They are the most hated things in the world.

Ah superficial superficial to think about all the chaos happening inside outside everywhere.
The world's coming to an end people beware!

ofblack&white
9:32 AM

It is, THE most, draining day of this month. Firstly, woke up late so there goes Stats 1. Secondly, rushing to Parkway, picked gifts for people who deserved it, whatever. All the rush. I am supposedly laid back. Rushing isn't my thing, at all. Thirdly, teaching (technically working my brains) especially during this fasting month had been exceptionally draining, three kids back to back.


Oh moans aside. I went touring around school with Ish and Mun to take a look at the nice artpieces and this girl, Caroline, her sculpture's fantastic. Big wow. So is everyone else's. Art really seemed to be an interesting subject.


Oh breakfasting pizzas isn't a good idea (imagine the amount of fats in a slice of pizza eewww) though I ate quite alot and whoever said camwhoring isn't tiring is an ass.


Ok. Really tired and I don't know what else, a bit pissy at certain someone but well you don't care and I don't care anymore.


Shower. And hit the sack. Ahhh.

ofblack&white
9:59 PM

Yesterday was all about balloons, perverse-looking balloons and Math.


So anyway reaching towards the 11th day of Ramadhan. Honestly, I find it very tough this year, due to certain reasons, but insyaAllah I will survive!



There's always a need to restrain from doing wrong. Very very tough, like I feel it'll be more efficient if someone were to tie reins on me to stop my from doing wrong. Ha but really been spending sometime doing reflections on my own and I found I waste alot of money (don't give me looks please, about the last thing I need) and my priorities all jumbled up. It's time to make a change!


Oh another issue; too much of anything is bad. Even too much of good, too much of patience. To everything, there has to be a limit because nothing mortal is infinity. This really applies to Shazreen Banu Yusoff, good friend of mine with a terroriser for a younger sister. Her patience is limitless, her sister slashed at her with knives scissors whatever sharp things she can lay her hands on, beat her up and extort money from her and all she did was keep quiet and smile. Maybe the right attitude but not exactly so when someone's out to kill you. And I told her, do something about it. She says, I won't, because my mother will be sad if I do.
Golly to that. And she's about 3 years older than her sister.

Someone should meet her sister, Shabana. I nearly punched her lights out just now when she hit Shaz in the face in public. Really, public scenes are definitely her thing. Everyone, even late Ummi Badariyah, talked to her but it didn't work.
I think this is where state-funded Girl's Home comes to play?
But well they say it's not your problem, so don't get mixed with it.

Be the change you want to see, no?

ofblack&white
5:55 PM

The world happened to agree upon test-Ili's-patience day. The morning was okay, save school. I don't know what made me go for Math class today, Swami was SO dry and it's all about basic differentiation, the type even Lynn can do when she's blind, you know. And the others aren't really paying attention and oh you people don't know how Swami talks.


Then comes tuition, how I hate it when I said at three and the mother said oh three forty five, and that is at 2.50 pm, when I'm at their void deck.


Third, annoying students who DOESN'T listen and do else, especially when they are in primary school. I was on the verge of cursing, and the closest was "You better bloody shut up before I lose my temper" nonsense. AHHH la I don't like never have liked Fridays.


I feel like biting someone.



It's a game, they are a game. Get one, get bored, get another, you know? You move on and on. How fun.
How headachy at times. Most of the times.


Oh yea, last thing. My cousins. So like a gangster, the lot of them. Eg, Nur Elaina Suhairi. Someone anonymously text her some silly stuff and she made a big hooha calling up the person and claiming to be "a friend of Elaina" and say things like "you don't ask me questions. I'm the one who will be doing the questioning and you better bloody answer or else I'll call the police since you threatened my friend" B.S and is very firm once she put her foot down. Gosh. She'll be mafia queen please. Primary six. I always wonder what they teach in school nowadays.

ofblack&white
6:32 PM

My day was meant to be a good day, you know. Tutoring, dinner out, the likes. Just a no school day, routinely doing what I like.



So my day was spoilt by a damsel in distress who broke down in front of me. WHY, in front of me I don't know. It really bothers me, maybe because as a tutor, I am at fault for not giving her that morale booster. Or I didn't help her enough, I don't know ) : All I know is when someone cries (especially a student) right in front of me, I'm not going to be able to sleep the night because I'll be wondering is it because of my inadequacy and all the yaya papaya. That I should've done something to make the sadness more bearable to the person. I don't know, I just don't like it when girls come crying in front of me (ok guys crying would be more bizarre). But yeah, it bugs me the whole day. ): I wish I could have done something...


Really spoils my day. Sigh.

ofblack&white
9:46 PM

Hello to the nice Wednesday. I felt very very dazed today, don't know why. You know, where you look at trees but don't exactly see them. I have much talking inside my head interesting topics that are worth pondering over. Principles of Banking and Finance are quite the pits really. All the in depth discussion about financial systems (especially the U.S) Central Banks Commercial Banks securities bonds and all that yaya. Not my cup of tea, though I quite enjoy Intro To Economics. I think I quite enjoy school the way it is, you know. No talking to people sitting beside you because you don't know them, and of late I'm very reluctant to bother to make new friends and all, maybe just not the time yet. Wait for tutorials. Other than that, I like it this way. Very keep-everything-to-myself.


Oh yes, something I need to tell all. If I were to glance at you and then not acknowledging or just turn away, I'm not being arrogant. Simply, I cannot see. Even with glasses or lenses everything seemed to be in a fish tank, my eyesight is getting worse. It's especially bad at night. ): It does annoy me, I gave up squinting. I mistook someone for someone else just now thankfully I didn't say anything to her.
Gosh moral of the story to people with atrocious eyesight, just shut up and don't talk.


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lets talk about image. Syahril told me about a disturbed sight in MOS. But that's not really the point.
So anyway, image. How we behave is what/who we represent. The basic representation are parents. Be slightly rude to any relative and they'll whisper behind your back as if you just contracted AIDS and is pregnant. But that again, is not the point.

Next that we represent is our SOCIETY. Which, in my race's case, is always related to religion. I'm just about sick and tired of people looking at me with that surprised look when I told them I don't drink. GOD don't you all take CIVICS AND MORAL EDUCATION, SAYING MUSLIMS DON'T DRINK AND CAN'T TOUCH DOGS AND EAT PORK (ok good they know we don't eat pork)?
But sometimes I don't blame the Chinese or Indians for their ignorance because the Malays in Singapore themselves do otherwise. Especially the drinking part. Besides that, the Malay population seemed to make out a big proportion in the ITEs, with all the micro skirts, peroxide hair, tattoos left right centre, piercings that put pin cushions to shame and all the shenanigans. Oh and also that pregnancy thing. Whatever.


Ok I'm not getting to the point, so I'd better get there now.
I don't really give shit if you're Malay and dressed up like an uncivilised being go clubbing get yourself drunk and laid and make ten babies in a year, hey it's your life not mine, and I probably won't associate myself to you anyway. But not when you wear TUDUNG AND GO CLUBBING AND DRINKING. Oh my God you know, wearing a tudung itself is like a symbol saying that "I am matured inside out I shall bring only good to the name of Islam" and there they are doing exactly what the religion oppose. I'm not a religion-freak if you are about to make me out that way, I just don't like it to be more tainted that it already is. I think it is very absurd. If you can't help but club, please, dress like you're going to club not going to the mosque. It really put us in a bad light.


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gosh I know all of the above don't make sense because it's all jumbled up but I'm happy to rant. So anyway, I'm tutoring tomorrow means I have to do the amount of talking I skipped today, all the math gibberish. Yay to that. Yay to dinner tomorrow and YAY to no school tomorrow.

ofblack&white
10:41 PM

I slept over grandma's yesterday, along with the brother and 3 other cousins. A helluva noise as usual. Such a lovely feeling to have a house full of people you love. I brought Tisya and Nur down at 2230 hrs for some B&Js, Famous Amos Slurpee and all. I slept fairly late because they were SO noisy even when they wanted to sleep. We reminisce the odd young days.


Oh and we went Peninsular Plaza and I got myself a guitar. It's a Samick with natural colours. So pretty and we sat outside the Court to play. Juniors simply asks me the most peculiar favours. First it was Mun moaning about why I'm not at Parkway and wants to come over to watch movies. Then Mima asked me to accompany her to the beach. BEACH. In the middle of prelims. -.- So weird but I met her there anyway.


Simple day, though I'm quite tired even after a 2 hour nap. I'm off to the airport now!

ofblack&white
4:39 PM

I just ripped my oldies into my computer and transfered to my iPod how I am going to looovveee listening to Ray Charles Nat King Cole Ben E. King the likes to sleep. Lovely couldn't even describe it.


So anyway the lyrics on the previous post is a very sad song I'm currently hooked on to very nice and in a very faint way touched something inside. Haha!


Oh ya Naz you seem to attract the most peculiar guys, so God bless you, really. I think you need it. I can never see myself with any Indonesian;
at most a tall dark handsome 34 year old Arab-Indian mix man with hair like a sheep's wool ((:


I had to drag myself up to teach at 9 in the morning in Tampines. Surprise surprise damsel dearest stays just behind my paternal grandma. She look damn cute when she's tired, hence I should torture her more (: Dropped by grandma's for a short while before heading off to Kovan to teach adik and Pei En. I so miss LYNN TAN (thanks for the slippers) that I kept tugging her funny fringe and pinching her. Must update me about your kueh lopez aka Portugese egg tarts. Oh yes in the midst of explaining all that annoying Math I had the most urgent need to sleep so I shut down for five minutes. Wow, never felt that tired before...



There are two huge wants right now and I have to save money for it.
1. Renovate my room and get new furniture new everything (which I hope could be fulfilled by next year)
2. A new guitar please ): Mine is just problematic the bridge is high so my fingers hurt and it vibrates annoyingly when I play it. Hope to get that by next week or so.


I went stationery shopping just now! Like wow so exciting, finding pens and highlighters and that nonsense and my two little escorts were just about perfect in helping me lol!


Ok tomorrow is Sunday Sundays were never rest days conversely the most busiest. I cannot wait for Monday! I never liked weekends (besides the fact I can see little eyecandy).


I'm contemplating on uploading songs to my blog, you know those jazz stuff that I think are bound to turn you off.
Or does metal sounds better?


The angels sang a whiskey lullaby...

ofblack&white
10:09 PM

Old enough to be her dad
But the young men were just mad
they nurse their grievances.
And she was flattered by his charm
it wouldn't do her any harm they all had their chances.


He sent her flowers and limousines
She was treated like a queen
Anything she ever wanted
It was no problem for a man like him.
And everyone expected soon
That she could ask him for the moon
If she would wear his ring.


Knowing glances from his friends
In the homes at the weekends of high society.
But he didn't give a damn
He never felt more like a man.

And all the time
the clock was ticking.
And all would envy,
The Older Man, and his beautiful Young Wife.

Yes, all would envy.

ofblack&white
7:35 PM

Oh yes fasting month starts yesterday I must have mentioned did I? So I messaged just a few random people about how I looovvee them and my favourite man Matin says he is out in the sea, sick. Seasick. Gosh that so put a warm glow in my stomach. ((: LOL.


All the normal day happenings and I had dinner out and walked about to buy test papers and look out for shoes. Looks can be deceiving, is the lesson learnt for the day.



And I had to go down school to re-fill some papers which Riz's colleague conveniently lost. Best of all, he's taking me out lunch after fasting month as compensation. Woo who love free lunches say ay!



I hate tuning guitars because I'm quite tone deaf. I sang my mum her favourite numbers and she loved it (yes, she did say her daughter can sing) and seeing her smile is enough (:


Who would envy?

ofblack&white
11:45 PM

There exist a fat line between the two terms 'watching over' and 'controlling'. So I don't see how he could confuse between the two very different phrase/words, so I don't see my need to answer to his interrogations (nay, not questions), to where I specifically was at so-and-so time and day. But yet again, silence isn't an option.


I have always pondered on the option of upping and leaving, especially during that angsty adolescent years where a brain is more for decorative purposes.
I still wished though, it's just the three of us. He doesn't concern my brother, nor me. I was never really kind to him, nor were I harsh, just ... . Whatev. Sometimes it pains me to see her putting a smile for our benefit. I find it rather silly because that smile is so transparent you could see the sorrow right through. She always try to make everything happy, that childlike dream of happy families that existed only in fairytales. Sometimes when she smiles I cry because she cannot do so; I cry for her sake. This is where you insert the little line 'love is blind'. But this is also where I say that love has its limits. Maybe it's just me, I just hate all that domineering bull from all the alpha junk. But sometimes you just need to draw the line. But not her. Because she is herself, she is just very giving and utmostly kind and loving that I could not see an end to her goodness. It is always hard for her to say no, hard for her to not buckle under the pressure and give in.
Just not her.


Sometimes I think that I am hard on him because she cannot be so. Let the sins pile on me I don't care, just keep her pure as she is, and as she'll ever be.


On a lighter note, school starts yesterday and we're late. For the first time it wasn't Kat that is late. Stats 1 is a bit dry today's Intro to Econs is interesting. The lecturer loves to draw. I am quite happy to hear from students that they could do papers they previously couldn't, or in Adela's terms, sleeping ONLY half hour during the three hour paper. They kind of made my day
Hugs MUN don't be so sad History is just History ok ((:



Kat should stop her jibes before I strangle her with my scarf. See if I don't!


It's the start of the fasting month so hurrah (: Happy fasting, don't cheat because God sees!


People who can sing sing Pop,
People who can't sing Rap,
People who sings damn well
goes to Jazz.

ofblack&white
10:44 PM

Unlike bad Sundays that NEVER fail to fall on me like bad apples I loovvveee Mondays please.


So anyway I realised my iPod is small for me. Size-wise, the GB nonsense. I so need a gigantic one to house ALL the songs that I have which is currently reaching 15 GB already I think. Nonsense right! I think I need an independent mp3 player just for jazz and metal collection. I'm so in love with the current CD that I purchased, Jazz In The City. Beautiful songs. I so long to enter jazz pubs because I love all that live shit. The soft chimes of piano and deep hum of bass and all that nonsense you use for your typical descriptive essays.


Resumed tuition of course, and I really enjoyed my time because being evil and annoying to them is part and parcel of tuition. So I used up all my venom on them and there goes all the bitterness, eased out. It's especially fun when they rebut so yes bad day is being transformed. I ended my day quite well with a cow that's full of shit she's so fertilised (: Hope your D isn't so emo.


And I feel really blessed for elf to be there, even after we kind of drifted know. To listen to all that shit I'm feeling. I just feel that she's the only one who can really understands me because she's like me. Alike. In more ways than one. Think for yourself ha.


And thank you kind soul for being there on Saturday night, when I'm in a very very very pathetic state. I hate it when people get to see me in such a lousy state but if there IS anyone to see me that way I'd rather you anytime. I'm sorry I couldn't tell you the reason because it is not what you would want to hear and for being able to make me sleep when it seemed Mission Impossible for me to do so that night.
Really, thanks <3

ofblack&white
10:52 PM

I wanted to meet zeeboy to make my day right fine and dandy but parents, I don't know why of all days today, decided to be (in)conveniently at VivoCity so they fetched me instead of him.
Boo. I really wanted my day to be right...


The trip was nice by the way. Much needed respite.

But anyway, I wonder why people do the things they do why some things that shouldn't hurt makes me cry why I hung on tight and continued to hurt when I could've just taken the easy way down.
It's painful, so much that I can't sleep.

Why?
Biggest question mark ever.

ofblack&white
7:23 PM

What I deemed crazy days. Really. I started my day at 8 yesterday only to end at 10 pm at Golden Hill Condominium (which is at Mei Hwan Drive, WHICH is at SERANGOON) and traveled the way back home only to have no one so I went to my grandma's for an overnight. Sitting for 5 hours cracking skulls over Math isn't really my past time when the migraine's started to attack. With Lynn and Damsel then Pei En came by with questions like Fixed Variable Cost Marginal Cost that require much much more cracking of skulls since it's been centuries since I've done such questions. Really, students being demanding and all I like it it's good because it shows how much interest they are putting into academics but not when I have headaches and bodyaches and God all other things else.


Such a rant haha. Today was equally draining.Had tuition at 10. Ungodly hour of ten (SCREAMS). And I feel so lucky Adela canceled today because I was so so so fucking drained haha but I pushed on and get gifts for certain birthday people. Knocked off at 7 and met Tiny for dinner ((: Fat arrogant cats. Anyway filled her in the details of whatever that needs to be filled in and boy she's going holiday next week to HK. Don't get lost my dear! First round around AMK hub I feel like a noob not being there before lol. Yep, guys with skinny jeans. Make that RED skinny jeans. There's a nice soccer shop there and Mayyee loves glaring and reminding me I am saving when I entered these shops. Haha just because I went in doesn't mean I'll buy something.
Happy walking for... 50 minutes? Or you haven't timed?


Dragoneer's Aria. I hope I didn't waste my money. I daren't tell her I bought something today, she looks so scary when she asked about my recently purchased Nike dunks.



And yes students piling up on me with questions, I so can't wait for the break this Thursday till Sunday and Kat message me at 93355404 or don't worry, I'll text you for school and (wiggles eyebrows) other things.


I need to sleep.
And get a life possibly. Haven't seen him for nearly a week, and probably not anytime this week, and maybe not the next.
Sigh.

ofblack&white
10:19 PM

I think it is a sign or what nonsense. I've been having dreams, the worse of their kind; so real and when I woke up I had to wonder if it is real too. One dream is about misdeeds that has been done and being caught in the midst of it. A few of them is like that. The other are all the past crushes/likes that I would be ashamed to think of. Maybe it's that conversation I had with Him at the start of the New Year.



Hectic hectic. I had two most splitting headaches in the past week. Again, maybe a sign to say that I should take things slow and easy and not overwork or have lack of sleep or skip any meals. It is so bad I canceled tuition with Halim on Wednesday and today with Lynn. Cracked my skull. I wonder what's wrong since it hurts even after I had a nap.


The twins came over and quite a funny bunch of people. Double Trouble, the original Double Trouble. Came all the way to Chai Chee just to print notes.


Ok off to the beach in the morning tomorrow. I hope it shines.
And I hope Mr Matured won't have work tomorrow so I got company.

ofblack&white
10:40 PM